Sunday, October 5, 2008

I clashed with my mum yesterday. I've had a few major arguments with her this year for the first time. I think I'm usually a very tolerant person. I suppose it's eighteen years of pent-up anger and frustration finally being released. Why is it so hard to like my mum? It's her high standards and the fact that she wants everything done her way that creates tension. She never wants to think she's wrong. In such circumstances, the Yi Lin in the past would just have kept mum. Does this mean I've changed?

I feel that there are some shadows in our relationship that may never be fully resolved. For some time after my caretaker left my relationship with my mum was strained. But even though I do love and regard her as my mother now, I can't just forget the person who raised me. This person is responsible for embedding the seeds of many aspects of my character. I also can't forget the fact that my mum wasn't there in my life for eight years, for whatever reasons. Now that I'm older, I understand a little of the difficulty a woman may have balancing career and family, but to a child that doesn't mean anything. All she knows is that someone was there for her when the other wasn't. Do you know how terrible it feels to return home one day and not have your surrogate mother anymore? Didn't they think of the impact her departure would have on me? Nothing was planned properly at all. And now my mum tries to interfere in my life. Come on! I don't think I'm obliged to let her to when she hasn't helped me at all.

I think it'd take a few more years at least to erase these thoughts completely. Because that kind of trauma, you don't forget easily. Even when you've forgiven, you find that you haven't forgotten.


angesil said...

Yilin, do try to understand why your mum wants to know more about your life, for the plain reason that she is your mum. Perhaps she is trying to make up for her absence in your childhood by being concerned about you now. I can understand how you feel because I have been through the same road of having absent parents for most of my life, and they are mostly absent still. What I realise is that if I try to shut her out of my life, she will bang upon my doors even more. So select what you let her into, so that she will feel better while you can have your privacy. Be happy =)

angesil said...

Hope you won't find me preachy, you don't have to erase those thoughts completely, but you can learn to accept them because they make you stronger.