Beautiful inside my Mind

Means I'm looking for a job.

Well, those who know me know that I'm not one to care about money. I'm pretty much satisfied once I have enough to fulfill certain needs. Perhaps I'm naive. But my mum is starting to make me see that money is still needed for some things. Like education. I get so scared whenever she starts talking about how poor we are, how much we need money, how it's going to be so difficult to pay for our education etc. Plus, how I should be looking for every scholarship I can find. She told me about her friend's daughter who got a job in a pet shop paying her $900 a month. I can't do the same, though, mainly because I'm allergic to fur. I have a suspicion that my brothers didn't have that much pressure. I guess money runs out once it comes to the last child. The stress of it all is crippling me. The thing about scholarships is, you have to serve a bond, and there are only a few organizations that I'm willing to work in. There are just some jobs I'm TERRIFIED of. Should I sacrifice a few years or several years of my life to get the money to pay for my education? That's always a dilemma. And the process of applying is tiring and utterly demoralizing. I'm already sooo exhausted from my US applications.

What's the point of being middle-class and richer than your ancestors were if you can't get the education you want, I ask?

Perhaps this is just a passing emotional phase, maybe because of the horrible cold I'm having. I've always relied on my determination to get me through things, and I'm going to do so again. Maybe I'm too stubborn and insistent on getting what I want. There are many jobs I could do, that pay well, but I force myself to look for those I'm really interested in and so far the results have been demoralizing. I guess I've got a taste of what knocking on doors that don't respond feels like. But you know, I reason that there are many people out there who secretly possess the same aspirations, and I'm different from them because I dare to and persevere in doing it. You may call it stubbornness. The stubbornness to ask for advice from others, then go against it. To me, I still don't feel that I've tried hard enough. I need to put in more effort.