Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I can't believe it- for once I actually miss blogging. One of the biggest challenges in maintaining a blog is that of procrastination. This time though I feel I really need to put aside my studies for a while and just write.

I wonder what it means if one is always having dreams? I often don't get a full night's sleep because it will inevitably be interrupted by dreams. Both good and bad. They increase in quantity and intensity in periods where I undergo a heightened emotional state, like now. Over the past few nights I've been having really vivid dreams, one so sad that I woke up and cried for a good 10 minutes. Another one made me feel warm and happy. And in yet another one I experienced pain so realistically. I seriously wonder what they all mean. I think they might be a manifestation of my innermost thoughts that I hardly share with anyone. Sometimes my fears can be so vague that even I myself am not sure what they are. I think alot of them stem from insecurity. I don't mean insecurity about my looks, because I'm happy with the way I look (though I wish my skin gave me less problems), but insecurity about my capabilities. Maybe I don't speak as often as some others because I lack confidence in myself or I'm uncomfortable with the situation in general. It's definitely not because I don't have anything to say, because most of the time I have an opinion. How can people voice their opinions with such ease? And it's no use if people actually ask for my opinion because I'd feel awkard or freaked out and forget what I was thinking. Sigh. Why am I like this?

This Saturday will be my last session with kidzread. It's a long-term reading programme for young children by the National Library Board. While initially I had problems with the kids being unresponsive or not liking the story I read, I feel we've really warmed up to each other. Our past few sessions have been really fun and I think I can safely say they like me, or at least don't find me horribly detestable :) I know some people wouldn't choose to go for CIP right before their common tests, like I did the past Saturday, but really I don't mind. I think I've learned a thing or two about kids. It's amazing how one can forget so quickly how it was like to be a kid. I also know now that I shouldn't impose my expectations or standards, something I tend to do in groupworks. I'd always have these high expectations of what people should be like or should do, and then I'd get all beat up when they fall short of my expectations. Like in the beginning, I kept comparing their reading ability to mine when I was their age. Then I realised that this was the wrong stance to take. I really love all of them now for their individual quirks and merits. I certainly hope I have imparted something of use to them and have made an impact on their lives. I'll be very sorry to part with them.

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